whogeek: growling tiger (Ticked Off)
 FUCK THIS!!  I hate my insomnia.  I have a final in.... 5 hours, and I haven't been able to fall asleep.  And I'm not even being productive like I sometimes get when my brain just won't shut up.  I just... can't get to sleep.  I went to bed 4 hours ago, and haven't slept a wink.

Oh, and people on FB keep sending me links to the 'leaked' video of Bin Laden's death/execution what-the-fuck-ever.  I don't give a shit about the video, and i DON'T WANT TO SEE IT!!! STOP SENDING IT TO ME!!!!!  I WILL FUCKING DE-FRIEND YOU IF YOU DON'T GET THE MESSAGE THAT I DON'T WANT TO SEE PEOPLE GET KILLED.  I AM NOT INTO THAT SHIT, THE BASTARD IS DEAD, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT SEEING IT.  MAYBE YOU CAN WATCH THE GODDAMNED VIDEO AND NOT HAVE YOUR STOMACH TRY TO VACATE YOUR BODY, BUT I AM NOT DOWN WITH WATCHING PEOPLE DIE.  FOR FUCKS SAKE, I BURST INTO TEARS THE FIRST TIME I HIT A GUY WITH THE INTENT TO HARM.  I DON'T WATCH GORY SHIT FOR THE SAKE OF THE GORE.  TORTURE PORN IS NOT MY THING, SO DON'T EXPECT ME TO ENJOY IT.  I think I'm done now......

On top of that, my roommate keeps unplugging the fridge when I still have stuff in there.  Awesome.

I am so ready to be done with this shit.
whogeek: The WhoGeek w/ blue/white/red target (Default)
Fuck this.  I'm exhausted, but my brain just won't shut up.  I really just wan't a good night's sleep. 
whogeek: growling tiger (Ticked Off)
The Beast is clawing away at me, just under the skin.  And this restlessness is so much harder to ignore.  Screaming, snarling, roaring at me.  The urge to get out, flee, run, hide, run, run, don't look back, get away, push people away, runrunrunrunrun.  And where the need to move, fight, MOVE is hard to ignore, this is 10, 20 times worse.  The urge to run away from everything, everyone who's close to me, everyone who knows me.  And it hurts to ignore it.  Because it would be so easy to just walk out and disappear.  And there's a normal part of me that wants to.  To just move, go, escape, leave and not come back, just me, my laptop, and a few other things.  It would be so easy, and part of me wants to.  I want to listen to the urge to be anywhere but here, and just leave all the worries about school and stuff behind.  I want to not care about getting through college, and it's so hard to resist.

Restless

Sep. 12th, 2010 02:38 am
whogeek: lions and tigers and bears button (Run Away!!)
Every so often, I get this restless feeling.  It's like an itch, deep under my skin, down in my bones.  And I can stave it off, at least for a little while, and when it gets too bad I can usually work it out by doing some exploring, but that's not what the itch is about.  There's only a handful of times that I actually managed to satisfy the itch, giving in and scratching it as hard as I can.  But aside from those few times it's always there, building quietly, until it's singing under my skin.  So I explore, walk around campus, or up to wander the shops downtown, but it's never quite enough.  It's this need to fight, to pit my strength against someone else.  All muscle and movement and god, it makes me feel so alive when I can let that part of me out just a little.  Because I know what can happen if I don't.  And I don't like losing time to the beast inside myself, the more primal, possessive, protective version of myself.  Because she's fierce, and reckless, and dangerous, and she doesn't know when to stop.  And god, the first time she burst through scared me so much, because I lost control, and I barely stopped her from doing anything, and that was only because my friends stopped me.  And sometimes she prowls so close under the surface I don't feel like I can touch anyone without putting them in danger.  Because if she breaks free, I don't think I could stop her, when it takes so much to contain her, to satisfy her need to fight.

And it's getting harder and harder.  I can't hold her back nearly as well as I used to, and I'm lucky she seems to genuinely like some people, but she doesn't like my roommate.  And that worries me.  Because I'm having to go to classes, and do homework, and go to football games with marching band, and fight to keep her in line, and I'm exhausted.  And I'm worried that my roommate will say or do something, and I'll snap and yell and shout at her, because the beast thinks she's utterly selfish and inconsiderate.  And she liked my roomie from last semester.  She always makes the happy, contented cat like noises around my previous roomie.  And I don't get this bad when I spend a lot of time being extremely physically active, or if I'm around the people the beast likes a lot.  Which is kind of disconcerting.

And I think, if I had grown up just a little differently, I might have been something like a berserker.  Which is scary as fuck.
whogeek: growling tiger (Ticked Off)
Seriously.  This shit has got to stop.  My roommate and I are not getting along.  Ok, so she likes to stay up late doing stuff, but if I stay up late doing stuff, she gets annoyed, because she's a light sleeper.  She has like, no morning classes, and I do, and my bedshaker wakes her up even though the actual alarm volume is off.  And she gets annoyed because on the two days when I don't have morning classes (Tuesday and Thursday) I still get up fairly early, but I don't leave the room for a couple hours, and my doing stuff on the computer wakes her up.  My typing wakes her up!  Not good.  Because I sleep like a damn dead thing.  And she's a super-light sleeper.  **mutters dire threats**  And I'm sick.  Which makes things even harder.  Because I've come to the realization that when I'm sick I turn into a cat.  I just want to curl up, be petted, and nap.  And she's sick too, but still damnably freaking peppy!  It's weirding me out.  /bitchyness

A more coherent/less angsty post will soon follow.  In which I will talk about last weekend.
whogeek: growling tiger (Ticked Off)
Hate.  Massive amounts of hate right now.

Hate No 1: Caffeine tabs.  Because I get 2 hours of good concentration, an hour of badbadbad jitters (including muscle tremors and shaking, slight panickyness, and the inability to sit still), and once it's all out of my system, I feel stretched, thin, and worn down.  And all-over sore.  Because of the muscle tremors. 

Hate No 2: The bus system.  Stupid, waited an hour for a bus to come, even after one came by, but they weren't picking anyone up.

Hate No 3: SCENTED LAUNDRY DETERGENT.  IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT.  AND MAKES IT HARD FOR ME TO BREATHE.  I HAVE TO SLEEP IN THE GODDAMN ROOM, AND NOW I CAN BARELY BREATHE YOU FUCKING ASS!!!

Very not pleased with how my day has been.
whogeek: growling tiger (Ticked Off)
ARGH!!! You've dropped your kid off, she's settling in just fine, now get OUT OF MY SPACE!!!  Am clearly not dealing with this well. XP This is making me feel very twitchy.
whogeek: The WhoGeek w/ blue/white/red target (Default)
I would go out, except that it is what I would call "near-blizzard" conditions.  And therefore, dangerous.  Normally, I'd be out having fun, but my behind is still recuperating from Snowboarding on Monday.  I busted my ass at one point, although I am getting much better at it.

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