whogeek | A different kind of restless

Current Mood: restless
Current Location: Dorm Room
Current Music: NCIS on the tv

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A different kind of restless

The Beast is clawing away at me, just under the skin. And this restlessness is so much harder to ignore. Screaming, snarling, roaring at me. The urge to get out, flee, run, hide, run, run, don't look back, get away, push people away, runrunrunrunrun. And where the need to move, fight, MOVE is hard to ignore, this is 10, 20 times worse. The urge to run away from everything, everyone who's close to me, everyone who knows me. And it hurts to ignore it. Because it would be so easy to just walk out and disappear. And there's a normal part of me that wants to. To just move, go, escape, leave and not come back, just me, my laptop, and a few other things. It would be so easy, and part of me wants to. I want to listen to the urge to be anywhere but here, and just leave all the worries about school and stuff behind. I want to not care about getting through college, and it's so hard to resist.

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West where? Do you know? Does some sort of destination or activity keep popping into your mind? Or do you just want some fresh air and a chance to breathe?

Dunno. Probably start in Nashville, and see where it takes me, but that's not it. It's like this perpetual tug just behind my ribcage. And it's pulling me west. Not sure how far west. Or what I'm going to be doing. I think that's something I'll find for myself.

Well, if you wanted to swing by Western Kentucky, I can boast the World's Most Comfortable Couch for a night or two (if you don't mind cigarette smoke or a messy and very tiny apartment), or you could book one of the many, many hotels we've got around here to accommodate visitors to the Quilt Show. We've got a nice little artist's community downtown, and we're not far from Metropolis, the home of Superman. Or I could just sit you down and show you a bunch of the TV shows I've got saved on my computer.

I might just do that(although, the cigarette smoke might be a bit much for me). Probably the hardest thing will be telling my parents. But I'm figuring out how to do that. And hopefully, they'll understand and try to support me. Because even if they don't support me, I'm going to do this. I need to do this.

How much longer until the end of the school semester? I realize it might be hard to make it until then, but it'll be better for your record than just dropping out midway (and God, I feel old). But I know the feeling. I do believe you're approaching burnout, and my mom seeing my eyes when I explained that to her was the only reason she abruptly changed her mind and decide that yes, I did need to get away from school for a while.

Don't try to butter up your parents. Just be honest. Your change of major might be happier for you, but it seems that wasn't the whole problem with your last bad spell.

Why don't you go on a LJ tour? Find some friends who live in towns you'd like to visit and see if they'd be willing to at least play Native Guide for a couple of days. Familiar, but not too familiar, and some of them might be willing to loan you a couch for a few nights.

God, too long. I simply can't make it that long. I've been ignoring this pull for too long already and now it's almost painful. And I tried, fuck I tried so hard, but I just can't do it anymore. I feel worn out and stretched thin and tired and like I'm being crushed. And I think they'll support me for this, but they have to understand that I can't just go home, that I have to follow this thing.

I would, but my list of LJ friends is.... dismally small. But, I do know some ways to find trustworthy people I wouldn't mind bumming a night or two on a couch from.

Is it early enough in the semester that you could drop out and get some of your money back?

You know, the idea of 'finding' trustworthy people kinda gives me a bad feeling.

I don't know, and a part of me doesn't really care. I mean, probably, but I'd have to look it up.

I'm not talking about like an online dating service type thing. I'm talking about using networks already in place and that I'm already part of. Girl Scouts and churches come to mind first. It's not necessarily a sure thing, but it's something I can use to my benefit.

If you're not up to calling the people who handle those things, see if your parents will call for you. My guess is they probably will.

I didn't think of that, using those organizations. Good idea. And maybe it's just personal preference/experience but I'd go with the Scouts before you ask a church, because probably the last thing you want is all those super-nice people thinking there's Something Better that could give your life direction, which they are almost guaranteed to try to 'help' you with if you let on that you're going through a rough patch. Unless that's exactly what you want, in which case go for it. But if your Beast is having a hard time tolerating people being too close and friendly, then I'd avoid churches. That's a hassle you don't need.

Yeah.

And yeah, I'll probably look to the scouts first, because even though national is shit, the councils/areas/troops as smaller units tend to be better about stuff. And if I do end up using churches I already know what to say to keep them from trying to Save me. And I tend to avoid churches like that anyway. I like churches where the consensus is "if you show up, we'll welcome you in. If you decide this isn't for you, that's ok too." But if I can't find one like that, I have my defense to the Something Better school of thought already.

I used to be able to fool them, but after 'coming out' of the non-Saved closet a while back, I just don't like the idea of lying to them anymore. And I've never heard of churches who didn't try to save you at every opportunity, but then again most of my church experiences have been with Southern Baptists.

I've never tried telling one of them that I consider myself a Buddhist even though I know very few technical details about the faith itself; I don't know any of the prayers or names of the gods or anything like that but I've got the mindset pretty much nailed. I can only imagine that such a discussion would end very badly, partly because those people are the same faith as my mother and I've just got this thing about disappointing my mother. So I mostly just keep it to myself.

Well, yes. Southern Baptists are like that. I rather tend to avoid them. Especially in large groups.

And I honestly am a christian. I don't consider other religions wrong because they aren't the same, but I myself am a christian. I mean, maybe part of this is needing to really look at myself and what I believe and stuff, but to me, the teachings of Jesus(from the bible, not twisted by other people) have just always made sense. **Shrugs** I actually like talking to people of other religions about belief systems and such. Belief in one does not make all others wrong.

I have no problem (or at least not much of a problem) with the teachings of Jesus Himself. It's the teachings of just about everybody else associated with the Bible, plus all the fundies, that raise my hackles about religion.

Maybe part of your stress is that you can't stop thinking about how stressed you are. It's a vicious circle and one I know all too well. And I'm not trying to convert you to Buddhism or anything but I heard this once, and I think you might find it relevant, or at least you might understand it:

"Once there was a monk who was being chased by a tiger. The monk ran to the edge of a cliff and found a vine, which he climbed down to escape the tiger. But he couldn't climb all the way to the bottom, because there was another tiger below him. So as the monk hung there, he noticed a small cluster of grapes growing on the cliff side, and a couple of mice which had been eating them. The mice, for some reason, jumped onto the vine above the monk and started chewing through it.

The monk couldn't go up, and he couldn't go down, and he couldn't just sit there for too much longer, so what did he do?

Answer: He ate a grape."

The teachings themselves are good. It's the way so many people interpret the teachings(and a lot of other things in the Bible) that raise the problems. And my hackles.

That's probably some of it. I think following this pull is me eating my grape.

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A different kind of restless

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