A different kind of restless
Oct. 11th, 2010 02:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
The Beast is clawing away at me, just under the skin. And this restlessness is so much harder to ignore. Screaming, snarling, roaring at me. The urge to get out, flee, run, hide, run, run, don't look back, get away, push people away, runrunrunrunrun. And where the need to move, fight, MOVE is hard to ignore, this is 10, 20 times worse. The urge to run away from everything, everyone who's close to me, everyone who knows me. And it hurts to ignore it. Because it would be so easy to just walk out and disappear. And there's a normal part of me that wants to. To just move, go, escape, leave and not come back, just me, my laptop, and a few other things. It would be so easy, and part of me wants to. I want to listen to the urge to be anywhere but here, and just leave all the worries about school and stuff behind. I want to not care about getting through college, and it's so hard to resist.
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Date: Oct. 12th, 2010 02:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: Oct. 12th, 2010 03:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: Oct. 12th, 2010 03:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: Oct. 12th, 2010 03:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: Oct. 12th, 2010 03:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: Oct. 12th, 2010 04:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: Oct. 12th, 2010 04:06 am (UTC)Don't try to butter up your parents. Just be honest. Your change of major might be happier for you, but it seems that wasn't the whole problem with your last bad spell.
Why don't you go on a LJ tour? Find some friends who live in towns you'd like to visit and see if they'd be willing to at least play Native Guide for a couple of days. Familiar, but not too familiar, and some of them might be willing to loan you a couch for a few nights.
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Date: Oct. 12th, 2010 04:19 am (UTC)I would, but my list of LJ friends is.... dismally small. But, I do know some ways to find trustworthy people I wouldn't mind bumming a night or two on a couch from.
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Date: Oct. 12th, 2010 04:23 am (UTC)You know, the idea of 'finding' trustworthy people kinda gives me a bad feeling.
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Date: Oct. 12th, 2010 04:26 am (UTC)I'm not talking about like an online dating service type thing. I'm talking about using networks already in place and that I'm already part of. Girl Scouts and churches come to mind first. It's not necessarily a sure thing, but it's something I can use to my benefit.
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Date: Oct. 12th, 2010 04:29 am (UTC)I didn't think of that, using those organizations. Good idea. And maybe it's just personal preference/experience but I'd go with the Scouts before you ask a church, because probably the last thing you want is all those super-nice people thinking there's Something Better that could give your life direction, which they are almost guaranteed to try to 'help' you with if you let on that you're going through a rough patch. Unless that's exactly what you want, in which case go for it. But if your Beast is having a hard time tolerating people being too close and friendly, then I'd avoid churches. That's a hassle you don't need.
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Date: Oct. 12th, 2010 04:35 am (UTC)And yeah, I'll probably look to the scouts first, because even though national is shit, the councils/areas/troops as smaller units tend to be better about stuff. And if I do end up using churches I already know what to say to keep them from trying to Save me. And I tend to avoid churches like that anyway. I like churches where the consensus is "if you show up, we'll welcome you in. If you decide this isn't for you, that's ok too." But if I can't find one like that, I have my defense to the Something Better school of thought already.
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Date: Oct. 12th, 2010 04:42 am (UTC)I've never tried telling one of them that I consider myself a Buddhist even though I know very few technical details about the faith itself; I don't know any of the prayers or names of the gods or anything like that but I've got the mindset pretty much nailed. I can only imagine that such a discussion would end very badly, partly because those people are the same faith as my mother and I've just got this thing about disappointing my mother. So I mostly just keep it to myself.
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Date: Oct. 12th, 2010 04:47 am (UTC)And I honestly am a christian. I don't consider other religions wrong because they aren't the same, but I myself am a christian. I mean, maybe part of this is needing to really look at myself and what I believe and stuff, but to me, the teachings of Jesus(from the bible, not twisted by other people) have just always made sense. **Shrugs** I actually like talking to people of other religions about belief systems and such. Belief in one does not make all others wrong.
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Date: Oct. 12th, 2010 04:51 am (UTC)Maybe part of your stress is that you can't stop thinking about how stressed you are. It's a vicious circle and one I know all too well. And I'm not trying to convert you to Buddhism or anything but I heard this once, and I think you might find it relevant, or at least you might understand it:
"Once there was a monk who was being chased by a tiger. The monk ran to the edge of a cliff and found a vine, which he climbed down to escape the tiger. But he couldn't climb all the way to the bottom, because there was another tiger below him. So as the monk hung there, he noticed a small cluster of grapes growing on the cliff side, and a couple of mice which had been eating them. The mice, for some reason, jumped onto the vine above the monk and started chewing through it.
The monk couldn't go up, and he couldn't go down, and he couldn't just sit there for too much longer, so what did he do?
Answer: He ate a grape."
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Date: Oct. 12th, 2010 04:59 am (UTC)That's probably some of it. I think following this pull is me eating my grape.
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Date: Jan. 12th, 2011 11:21 pm (UTC)Anywho, I get like this so often. You don't want to go to work, or even go home. You don't want to hang out with friends and go see a movie or go out for drinks. You just want to pack up a bag of things and just start walking.
It doesn't matter where you go, just that you start moving.
I think that's normal. Sort of a throwback to the good old days when we had to move around where ever the food went. Before the whole domestication thing. I love technology, but I honestly think life would be easier if we only had to worry about chopping wood and bringing in water and making bread, rather then worrying about student loans and car payments and the mortgage.
Sometimes I think it would be nice to just go join a commune where there was no money, and everyone bartered different skills and food stuffs. But it would have to be somewhere warm, like Mexico maybe. Yeah, Mexico would be nice.
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Date: Jan. 12th, 2011 11:44 pm (UTC)Yeah. I know quite a few other people have told me about having the same thing. It doesn't seem to be an odd a feeling.
Easier and harder in measures, I think.
Lol. Tired of the cold?