whogeek: greg in the hall post-explosion (Greggo Oww)
Found out that my dog, who we thought was going to make it through surgery/treatment for cancer ok, got really, really, really bad this weekend.  They're putting her down tonight.  I'm going to go take a shower, and possibly cry myself to sleep. 

Pictures of my Tess )

life sucks

Sep. 24th, 2010 12:45 am
whogeek: greg in the hall post-explosion (Greggo Oww)
So, I wanted to join the Marching Band service fraternity,  Kappa Kappa Psi(pronounced sigh).  Went to rush events, hung out with the KKPsi people, talked, laughed, generally had a lot of fun with them.  So Wednesday, I had to turn in my letter of intent, saying that yes, I wanted to pledge.  A few hours ago, a couple of people from KKPsi came by my dorm room to tell me if I could pledge or not.  I can't.  My GPA is too low right now, because of the whole, passive aggressive, depression thing last year.  You know,  this shit.  So I've been working all last semester and now this semester to bring my GPA up, but it's still too low.  It's really rather disappointing, because I really wanted to do this.  I feel kind of empty at the moment.  And I'm tired.  It hurts a bit.  Because this was something that was really important to me.  And I still have writings to get done.  Fuck my life.
whogeek: The WhoGeek w/ blue/white/red target (Default)
A solution in multiple parts. I'm going back, now that I have gotten my head screwed on right again. Depressed Whogeek is going away, hopefully forever, and I'm gonna try again.

This is what I've figured out: )
So that's the big solution. It all seems to stem from my isolation issues, so hopefully, fixing the one major problem will help bring the rest of me back to who I am normally.

Thanks for all the advice. It was all appreciated, and considered carefully, but just talking things through with my family helped me so much as well, and I'm pretty sure I'm doing the right thing. If I change my mind, I can still withdraw, and follow the alternate path my mind has laid out for me now.

Edit: Just hit me, that through all of this, I've had my own personal depression support group. Thanks muchly!
whogeek: greg in the hall post-explosion (Greggo Oww)

So.... I did it. I told my mom about wanting to drop out, and she and my dad are coming up to get me, so we can discuss things, and get everything settled. And it was surprisingly easy to come clean to her about everything. She didn't yell or anything, but she still wants me to try and stay in college, and after last night, I feel better. I still feel lost and confused, but now, I know what I have to do.... I have to find myself. And if that means I have to leave college, I'll do it. Because depression is not a place I like being. Oh, yeah. I went to the school counselor, and I'm definitely showing all the signs and symptoms of depression. Whoop-de-frikkin-doo. So now, I don't have just ADD, I've got depression too. If I feel ready to go back to college after, I will, but if I don't, I'll just head off into the world for myself. The thought hurts, but it's what I've got to do for myself.

Edit: I'm about this close to going and finding the fucking idiots somewhere in my dorm building who are blasting the bass, because it's giving me a headache, and making my TEETH ache.

whogeek: greg in the hall post-explosion (Greggo Oww)
I'm starting to get a little... I dunno. I feel off. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like I've lost track of who I am at college, rather than "finding myself" when that's what so many people say college is about. I already knew myself in High School. And I feel like college is making me lose track of who I am. I don't fit. When my sister went off to college, she just slipped right in and just fit into that life. I had trouble to start with. It didn't take too long before that spark I have for learning, for jumping into a class and getting into the materieal and really working at it, it didn't take long for it to dim, and now I'm afraid that it's going to be too hard to bring back. All through HS, I would come home bursting with excitement over the things I'd done in classes that day, and now, classes just seem to drag on by, and I just can't get into the materieal. I don't know if maybe I'm just trying to go for the wrong major in going for the chemistry, but I love science. But I'm so ADD that I need to be constantly DOING stuff, and the courses I'm taking are so much just sitting around taking notes and writing papers that I'm suffocating. I'm honestly afraid what'll happen if I tell my parents that I'm considering changing my major, when I've been looking at the chemistry for a couple of years now, or just dropping out and going out into the workforce. Possible going into like, police academy or something. I don't know. Because I just don't fit into academia, and I'm starting to feel like it's slowly killing me. And I don't want to tell my mom that I want to drop out of college, because it doesn't fit me like it fits my sister, or like it fit my mom when she was in college. I'm more like my dad, and he only graduated from college because he took a semester off and graduated a full year after he was supposed to. But I knew who I was, and I 've lost myself, and I need to either come clean about it now or face my mom's disappointment when she realizes I'm actually failing. And I hate deceiving her. But I don't know anymore. It's been almost 7 months since I wrote a poem, and I'm normally a fairly prolific poet.... when I'm feeling myself. It's actually a fairly reliable barometer on how much I feel like myself: how many poems I'm putting out. And they aren't all stuff I'll let other people read, because a lot of them are just me getting emotions out, but when I stop writing, that's usually a bad sign.

But I feel like a puzzle piece trying to fit into the wrong puzzle, because either the colors match up, but the shape is all wrong. Or the shape fits, but the colors are all wrong.

I'm just..... so confused again. Because I thought I had my life figured out, or at least mostly, and now...... I don't know anymore.

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