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whogeekA solution in multiple parts. I'm going back, now that I have gotten my head screwed on right again. Depressed Whogeek is going away, hopefully forever, and I'm gonna try again.
This is what I've figured out:
So I'm a social creature. I crave human contact on a daily basis. And I need another warm body in the room to sleep well when that's the way things are supposed to be. At home it's my dog. Off at school, I haven't had that, because I've been dealing with the ghost roommate for months now. And that's been making me feel, well, rejected. At first I was complaining about her leaving the room a mess, because her absence was irritating me, so I blamed it on the mess she was leaving. Not really the problem though. The problem was that I felt like I was living in someone else's storage space. I could stand it if we were constantly on each other's nerves, but when I feel like I'm rejected, ignored, left out, I don't do so well. And when I feel rejected, I start withdrawing from everything else, which, unfortunately, included my schoolwork. Now, if I had chosen to have a single-person dorm room I would have been fine, because that would have been MY choice, but I felt emotionally abandoned by my roommate. Admittedly, she and I don't really have a lot to connect over, but I would have been a hell of a lot happier if there was some sort of solid emotional connection. In other words, I've been living with a ghost roommate, because she occasionally does come by, but we rarely interact in the dorm, and she doesn't even sleep there, and she spends most of her time with her girlfriend. So lately, at night, when I can't sleep I would find myself staring at her side of the room, trying to see if something was different, if she'd been in the room at some point that day. Trying to find some connection with her through her stuff. Not Good. So that was causing the "How long would it take before someone noticed I was gone/dead?" thoughts. And those thoughts were causing some mild depression and suicidal thoughts. Like "What would it be like to slice my arm open and feel all my blood draining?" or "I wonder if it would make the power go out if I took apart a wall socket and electrocuted myself to death?" That was a fun one. So I went to Counseling Services, and basically told them that I was failing because I couldn't care enough about my schoolwork because I didn't feel like myself. That's the other thing. Whogeek who writes big long rants is back, and she's going to stay. Because I get.... standoffish when I feel abandoned/rejected/left out/ignored. I bullshit myself that it's what I want, and I start doing things that are detrimental to myself in the long run but make me happy right then, so I can pretend that I'm not being hurt by what's happening. And acting like that makes me feel cold and all knotted up inside. And that version of myself is very good at hiding, because my parents didn't see it when I was home for break, but that was because I was back with people who were emotionally connected to me, and I had my dog at night, so it was the real me for a little while. Then when I went back to school, I still had that lonely feeling, and then registration was really stressful, and I couldn't get the right classes, and then exams start next week, and all the stress, and depression, and everything came to a head, and I snapped. Hence the "I don't fit" post. So I went to counseling services, came clean to my parents about how bad off I was, they came to get me to talk about what to do, and we came to an agreement.
**Clears throat** Ok. First, I'm going to finish my semester. I'll be taking a few "F" grades, but I can retake courses, and it won't reflect on final transcript. Second, I'm going to get a roommate who's actually going to be around consistently. Third, I'm going to try and find a job. Preferably on campus, doing something physically demanding. If that means I get up early to go unload trucks for food services, so be it. Fourth, I'm going to get counseling and academic coaching from the university. Fifth, I'm going to take a break from going after a Chemistry major, and I'm considering making Chem my minor. I love it, and I'm a scientist in so many respects, but right now it's just too stressful. Sixth... wait, was there a sixth? Oh, right. I'm going to reduce the time I spend on the computer puttering around to 30 minute intervals between doing schoolwork. I've made it work before, and I'll make it work again. Seventh, I'll be spending more time with family now that marching band is finished. Whether I'm catching a ride back home with someone, or they come up to visit me on weekends, I'll see them a lot more. If I find that I want to quit after all that, and just find a job and take community college courses... well, we'll deal with it then.
So that's the big solution. It all seems to stem from my isolation issues, so hopefully, fixing the one major problem will help bring the rest of me back to who I am normally.
Thanks for all the advice. It was all appreciated, and considered carefully, but just talking things through with my family helped me so much as well, and I'm pretty sure I'm doing the right thing. If I change my mind, I can still withdraw, and follow the alternate path my mind has laid out for me now.
Edit: Just hit me, that through all of this, I've had my own personal depression support group. Thanks muchly!
This is what I've figured out:
So I'm a social creature. I crave human contact on a daily basis. And I need another warm body in the room to sleep well when that's the way things are supposed to be. At home it's my dog. Off at school, I haven't had that, because I've been dealing with the ghost roommate for months now. And that's been making me feel, well, rejected. At first I was complaining about her leaving the room a mess, because her absence was irritating me, so I blamed it on the mess she was leaving. Not really the problem though. The problem was that I felt like I was living in someone else's storage space. I could stand it if we were constantly on each other's nerves, but when I feel like I'm rejected, ignored, left out, I don't do so well. And when I feel rejected, I start withdrawing from everything else, which, unfortunately, included my schoolwork. Now, if I had chosen to have a single-person dorm room I would have been fine, because that would have been MY choice, but I felt emotionally abandoned by my roommate. Admittedly, she and I don't really have a lot to connect over, but I would have been a hell of a lot happier if there was some sort of solid emotional connection. In other words, I've been living with a ghost roommate, because she occasionally does come by, but we rarely interact in the dorm, and she doesn't even sleep there, and she spends most of her time with her girlfriend. So lately, at night, when I can't sleep I would find myself staring at her side of the room, trying to see if something was different, if she'd been in the room at some point that day. Trying to find some connection with her through her stuff. Not Good. So that was causing the "How long would it take before someone noticed I was gone/dead?" thoughts. And those thoughts were causing some mild depression and suicidal thoughts. Like "What would it be like to slice my arm open and feel all my blood draining?" or "I wonder if it would make the power go out if I took apart a wall socket and electrocuted myself to death?" That was a fun one. So I went to Counseling Services, and basically told them that I was failing because I couldn't care enough about my schoolwork because I didn't feel like myself. That's the other thing. Whogeek who writes big long rants is back, and she's going to stay. Because I get.... standoffish when I feel abandoned/rejected/left out/ignored. I bullshit myself that it's what I want, and I start doing things that are detrimental to myself in the long run but make me happy right then, so I can pretend that I'm not being hurt by what's happening. And acting like that makes me feel cold and all knotted up inside. And that version of myself is very good at hiding, because my parents didn't see it when I was home for break, but that was because I was back with people who were emotionally connected to me, and I had my dog at night, so it was the real me for a little while. Then when I went back to school, I still had that lonely feeling, and then registration was really stressful, and I couldn't get the right classes, and then exams start next week, and all the stress, and depression, and everything came to a head, and I snapped. Hence the "I don't fit" post. So I went to counseling services, came clean to my parents about how bad off I was, they came to get me to talk about what to do, and we came to an agreement.
**Clears throat** Ok. First, I'm going to finish my semester. I'll be taking a few "F" grades, but I can retake courses, and it won't reflect on final transcript. Second, I'm going to get a roommate who's actually going to be around consistently. Third, I'm going to try and find a job. Preferably on campus, doing something physically demanding. If that means I get up early to go unload trucks for food services, so be it. Fourth, I'm going to get counseling and academic coaching from the university. Fifth, I'm going to take a break from going after a Chemistry major, and I'm considering making Chem my minor. I love it, and I'm a scientist in so many respects, but right now it's just too stressful. Sixth... wait, was there a sixth? Oh, right. I'm going to reduce the time I spend on the computer puttering around to 30 minute intervals between doing schoolwork. I've made it work before, and I'll make it work again. Seventh, I'll be spending more time with family now that marching band is finished. Whether I'm catching a ride back home with someone, or they come up to visit me on weekends, I'll see them a lot more. If I find that I want to quit after all that, and just find a job and take community college courses... well, we'll deal with it then.
So that's the big solution. It all seems to stem from my isolation issues, so hopefully, fixing the one major problem will help bring the rest of me back to who I am normally.
Thanks for all the advice. It was all appreciated, and considered carefully, but just talking things through with my family helped me so much as well, and I'm pretty sure I'm doing the right thing. If I change my mind, I can still withdraw, and follow the alternate path my mind has laid out for me now.
Edit: Just hit me, that through all of this, I've had my own personal depression support group. Thanks muchly!
