Arguing with myself and ooh! Shiny!

 FUCK THIS!!  I hate my insomnia.  I have a final in.... 5 hours, and I haven't been able to fall asleep.  And I'm not even being productive like I sometimes get when my brain just won't shut up.  I just... can't get to sleep.  I went to bed 4 hours ago, and haven't slept a wink.

Oh, and people on FB keep sending me links to the 'leaked' video of Bin Laden's death/execution what-the-fuck-ever.  I don't give a shit about the video, and i DON'T WANT TO SEE IT!!! STOP SENDING IT TO ME!!!!!  I WILL FUCKING DE-FRIEND YOU IF YOU DON'T GET THE MESSAGE THAT I DON'T WANT TO SEE PEOPLE GET KILLED.  I AM NOT INTO THAT SHIT, THE BASTARD IS DEAD, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT SEEING IT.  MAYBE YOU CAN WATCH THE GODDAMNED VIDEO AND NOT HAVE YOUR STOMACH TRY TO VACATE YOUR BODY, BUT I AM NOT DOWN WITH WATCHING PEOPLE DIE.  FOR FUCKS SAKE, I BURST INTO TEARS THE FIRST TIME I HIT A GUY WITH THE INTENT TO HARM.  I DON'T WATCH GORY SHIT FOR THE SAKE OF THE GORE.  TORTURE PORN IS NOT MY THING, SO DON'T EXPECT ME TO ENJOY IT.  I think I'm done now......

On top of that, my roommate keeps unplugging the fridge when I still have stuff in there.  Awesome.

I am so ready to be done with this shit.

Fuck this.  I'm exhausted, but my brain just won't shut up.  I really just wan't a good night's sleep. 

I've been sick all week, and this week is homecoming week.  Which means, the marching band has been working really hard at practices, but because I basically can't breathe, I couldn't play or march.  Fuck.  So we had a performance tonight.  Kinda informal, no uniforms or anything, but a performance.  I couldn't play.  Because I currently can't breathe right.  And I talked to the band director earlier tonight, and basically, I'm at the point where I'm in danger of losing my place in the band.  Because I missed the first game, and I might miss tomorrows game, and if I miss one more..... well, it sucks.  And I want to scream and rage and punch things and cry and generally go batshit, but I can't because I have no voice and my life sucks.  Someone tell me I'm being irrational and whiny, because I need someone to knock some sense into me.  Real bad. 

Every so often, I get this restless feeling.  It's like an itch, deep under my skin, down in my bones.  And I can stave it off, at least for a little while, and when it gets too bad I can usually work it out by doing some exploring, but that's not what the itch is about.  There's only a handful of times that I actually managed to satisfy the itch, giving in and scratching it as hard as I can.  But aside from those few times it's always there, building quietly, until it's singing under my skin.  So I explore, walk around campus, or up to wander the shops downtown, but it's never quite enough.  It's this need to fight, to pit my strength against someone else.  All muscle and movement and god, it makes me feel so alive when I can let that part of me out just a little.  Because I know what can happen if I don't.  And I don't like losing time to the beast inside myself, the more primal, possessive, protective version of myself.  Because she's fierce, and reckless, and dangerous, and she doesn't know when to stop.  And god, the first time she burst through scared me so much, because I lost control, and I barely stopped her from doing anything, and that was only because my friends stopped me.  And sometimes she prowls so close under the surface I don't feel like I can touch anyone without putting them in danger.  Because if she breaks free, I don't think I could stop her, when it takes so much to contain her, to satisfy her need to fight.

And it's getting harder and harder.  I can't hold her back nearly as well as I used to, and I'm lucky she seems to genuinely like some people, but she doesn't like my roommate.  And that worries me.  Because I'm having to go to classes, and do homework, and go to football games with marching band, and fight to keep her in line, and I'm exhausted.  And I'm worried that my roommate will say or do something, and I'll snap and yell and shout at her, because the beast thinks she's utterly selfish and inconsiderate.  And she liked my roomie from last semester.  She always makes the happy, contented cat like noises around my previous roomie.  And I don't get this bad when I spend a lot of time being extremely physically active, or if I'm around the people the beast likes a lot.  Which is kind of disconcerting.

And I think, if I had grown up just a little differently, I might have been something like a berserker.  Which is scary as fuck.

Can't really explain my mood.  Didn't sleep last night.  Yammered to a friend about sex, sexuality, and sex ed for an hour or so.  Showered.  Read fic.  Feeling, I guess laconic?  No, that's not right.  Maybe melancholy.  Only it's not quite right.  Maybe a little maudlin.  Pensive.  That works.  Melancholy and Pensive with a touch of Maudlin.  Prowled around the dorm a little.  Came back to my room, turned on some music.  Read more fic.  Realized that, despite there being no Target, Wal-Mart not being open 24/7, the inability/lack of incentive to find a good pancake,  everything in the "downtown" area closing at 5, and a TV that is flaky at the best of times, I'm genuinely happy here.  I don't think I would have been as happy at another college(aka, my second choice, which is larger and more prestigeous.  Am I backwards or what?).  Nights like tonight, when I can't sleep, I have a habit of standing by the window, where there's this little spot between my wardrobe and the fridge, right over the ac/heat unit and watching out the window.  It's soothing, because even though I can see a major road, and a major intersection from my window, there's almost nothing going on out there.  This place actually does calm.  My second choice college is actually in Raleigh(state capitol, one of the biggest cities in NC), and I really doubth that the campus is ever actually calm.  And, at my second choice, I'd probably be rooming with my best friend from HS, and I don't think she'd appreciate my restless pacing at night.  Yes, the wind can be fierce, the almost constant snow grates after a while, the drunken idiots on my floor annoy the hell out of me(there's only a handful of people I've met who actually have the potential to incite me to the point where i enter blackout homicidal rage mode, and there's one on my floor), and desperately needing something to do when I've got free time, but I love this place.  I genuinely do.  At this point in my life, there's nowhere else I'd rather be.  I've got issues.  The whole, blackout rage thing, for one, and some weird as hell emotional knots(complicated, possibly, by the discussion in Fencing a while back about how "Lefties are twins who ate the other one" and wondering if that fucked me up totally even before I was born) for another.  The insomnia, the near-suicidal depression at one point.  Anyways.  Off track.  And despite feeling so at home, I still have no fucking idea what to major in.  Goddamn my brain.  But yeah.  Felt, odd.  Realized that my little all-night things with sporadic staring out the window really helps me stay sane by reminding me that calmness is a good thing.

So this is my review of CSI: NY 606, so in fair warning, if you haven't seen it yet, don't read under the cut, becasue HERE BE SPOILERAGE!  There.  If you haven't watched and you spoil it for yourself, don't blame me.  I warned you.
( Clicky for Spoilerish ranting )

On a completely unrelated note, I should not stay up all night, no matter what all kinds of interesting conversations I may be having with jetpack_angel, because it just makes it almost impossible for me to stay awake in my 9 AM calculus class.  And then when I take a nap at 3 in the afternoon, I sleep until 10:45, at which point all the food places on campus are closed, and I don't feel like asking anyone to drive me to Cookout, or Wendy's, or ordering pizza, so I end up having one of those ready to heat individual ravioli things. And a soda, because the machine downstairs was out of milk.