Arguing with myself and ooh! Shiny!

Every so often, I get this restless feeling.  It's like an itch, deep under my skin, down in my bones.  And I can stave it off, at least for a little while, and when it gets too bad I can usually work it out by doing some exploring, but that's not what the itch is about.  There's only a handful of times that I actually managed to satisfy the itch, giving in and scratching it as hard as I can.  But aside from those few times it's always there, building quietly, until it's singing under my skin.  So I explore, walk around campus, or up to wander the shops downtown, but it's never quite enough.  It's this need to fight, to pit my strength against someone else.  All muscle and movement and god, it makes me feel so alive when I can let that part of me out just a little.  Because I know what can happen if I don't.  And I don't like losing time to the beast inside myself, the more primal, possessive, protective version of myself.  Because she's fierce, and reckless, and dangerous, and she doesn't know when to stop.  And god, the first time she burst through scared me so much, because I lost control, and I barely stopped her from doing anything, and that was only because my friends stopped me.  And sometimes she prowls so close under the surface I don't feel like I can touch anyone without putting them in danger.  Because if she breaks free, I don't think I could stop her, when it takes so much to contain her, to satisfy her need to fight.

And it's getting harder and harder.  I can't hold her back nearly as well as I used to, and I'm lucky she seems to genuinely like some people, but she doesn't like my roommate.  And that worries me.  Because I'm having to go to classes, and do homework, and go to football games with marching band, and fight to keep her in line, and I'm exhausted.  And I'm worried that my roommate will say or do something, and I'll snap and yell and shout at her, because the beast thinks she's utterly selfish and inconsiderate.  And she liked my roomie from last semester.  She always makes the happy, contented cat like noises around my previous roomie.  And I don't get this bad when I spend a lot of time being extremely physically active, or if I'm around the people the beast likes a lot.  Which is kind of disconcerting.

And I think, if I had grown up just a little differently, I might have been something like a berserker.  Which is scary as fuck.

So, my day consisted of me and my roomie talking about Leverage and specifically Eliot before actually falling asleep, waking up late, missing my one thursday class on a day where the prof actually took attendance(FUCK!!), eating the second half-a-can of ravioli, going to counseling, fiddling on the computer for a while, watching a Burn Notice marathon, then going shopping at Wal-Mart.  And y'know what I bought?  Well, no, because I haven't told you yet.  Anyways.  6-pack IBC Root Beer, a box of Pop-Tarts(DO NOT JUDGE ME!!), a pack of twizzlers, and deoderant.  Finished shopping just in time to catch the bus back to campus(EPIC TIMING), flopped onto my bed, opened the twizzlers, and turned Burn Notice back on.  Proceded to eat most of a pound of twizzlers essentially for dinner(I feel gross now), then headed to fencing club with another girl on my floor.  At fencing we had elections, and I might be the assistant armorer for next year.  \O/  Fenced a little, then realized my ride left without telling me.  Also found out that, aparently, the prof for my class today was even sketchier than normal, and the class managed to derail her from the notes three times, she had to get something from her office four times, and she was giving notes that we had already taken.  Very strange.  Got a ride back to my dorm with one of the other fencers, watched the last half of the Burn Notice season finale(which made no sense), and set about devouring everything perishable in the dorm room while my roomie packed and handed me food so the room wouldn't stink after Spring Break.

A solution in multiple parts. I'm going back, now that I have gotten my head screwed on right again. Depressed Whogeek is going away, hopefully forever, and I'm gonna try again.

( This is what I've figured out: )
So that's the big solution. It all seems to stem from my isolation issues, so hopefully, fixing the one major problem will help bring the rest of me back to who I am normally.

Thanks for all the advice. It was all appreciated, and considered carefully, but just talking things through with my family helped me so much as well, and I'm pretty sure I'm doing the right thing. If I change my mind, I can still withdraw, and follow the alternate path my mind has laid out for me now.

Edit: Just hit me, that through all of this, I've had my own personal depression support group. Thanks muchly!

I'm starting to get a little... I dunno. I feel off. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like I've lost track of who I am at college, rather than "finding myself" when that's what so many people say college is about. I already knew myself in High School. And I feel like college is making me lose track of who I am. I don't fit. When my sister went off to college, she just slipped right in and just fit into that life. I had trouble to start with. It didn't take too long before that spark I have for learning, for jumping into a class and getting into the materieal and really working at it, it didn't take long for it to dim, and now I'm afraid that it's going to be too hard to bring back. All through HS, I would come home bursting with excitement over the things I'd done in classes that day, and now, classes just seem to drag on by, and I just can't get into the materieal. I don't know if maybe I'm just trying to go for the wrong major in going for the chemistry, but I love science. But I'm so ADD that I need to be constantly DOING stuff, and the courses I'm taking are so much just sitting around taking notes and writing papers that I'm suffocating. I'm honestly afraid what'll happen if I tell my parents that I'm considering changing my major, when I've been looking at the chemistry for a couple of years now, or just dropping out and going out into the workforce. Possible going into like, police academy or something. I don't know. Because I just don't fit into academia, and I'm starting to feel like it's slowly killing me. And I don't want to tell my mom that I want to drop out of college, because it doesn't fit me like it fits my sister, or like it fit my mom when she was in college. I'm more like my dad, and he only graduated from college because he took a semester off and graduated a full year after he was supposed to. But I knew who I was, and I 've lost myself, and I need to either come clean about it now or face my mom's disappointment when she realizes I'm actually failing. And I hate deceiving her. But I don't know anymore. It's been almost 7 months since I wrote a poem, and I'm normally a fairly prolific poet.... when I'm feeling myself. It's actually a fairly reliable barometer on how much I feel like myself: how many poems I'm putting out. And they aren't all stuff I'll let other people read, because a lot of them are just me getting emotions out, but when I stop writing, that's usually a bad sign.

But I feel like a puzzle piece trying to fit into the wrong puzzle, because either the colors match up, but the shape is all wrong. Or the shape fits, but the colors are all wrong.

I'm just..... so confused again. Because I thought I had my life figured out, or at least mostly, and now...... I don't know anymore.