whogeek: growling tiger (Ticked Off)
The Beast is clawing away at me, just under the skin.  And this restlessness is so much harder to ignore.  Screaming, snarling, roaring at me.  The urge to get out, flee, run, hide, run, run, don't look back, get away, push people away, runrunrunrunrun.  And where the need to move, fight, MOVE is hard to ignore, this is 10, 20 times worse.  The urge to run away from everything, everyone who's close to me, everyone who knows me.  And it hurts to ignore it.  Because it would be so easy to just walk out and disappear.  And there's a normal part of me that wants to.  To just move, go, escape, leave and not come back, just me, my laptop, and a few other things.  It would be so easy, and part of me wants to.  I want to listen to the urge to be anywhere but here, and just leave all the worries about school and stuff behind.  I want to not care about getting through college, and it's so hard to resist.

Restless

Sep. 12th, 2010 02:38 am
whogeek: lions and tigers and bears button (Run Away!!)
Every so often, I get this restless feeling.  It's like an itch, deep under my skin, down in my bones.  And I can stave it off, at least for a little while, and when it gets too bad I can usually work it out by doing some exploring, but that's not what the itch is about.  There's only a handful of times that I actually managed to satisfy the itch, giving in and scratching it as hard as I can.  But aside from those few times it's always there, building quietly, until it's singing under my skin.  So I explore, walk around campus, or up to wander the shops downtown, but it's never quite enough.  It's this need to fight, to pit my strength against someone else.  All muscle and movement and god, it makes me feel so alive when I can let that part of me out just a little.  Because I know what can happen if I don't.  And I don't like losing time to the beast inside myself, the more primal, possessive, protective version of myself.  Because she's fierce, and reckless, and dangerous, and she doesn't know when to stop.  And god, the first time she burst through scared me so much, because I lost control, and I barely stopped her from doing anything, and that was only because my friends stopped me.  And sometimes she prowls so close under the surface I don't feel like I can touch anyone without putting them in danger.  Because if she breaks free, I don't think I could stop her, when it takes so much to contain her, to satisfy her need to fight.

And it's getting harder and harder.  I can't hold her back nearly as well as I used to, and I'm lucky she seems to genuinely like some people, but she doesn't like my roommate.  And that worries me.  Because I'm having to go to classes, and do homework, and go to football games with marching band, and fight to keep her in line, and I'm exhausted.  And I'm worried that my roommate will say or do something, and I'll snap and yell and shout at her, because the beast thinks she's utterly selfish and inconsiderate.  And she liked my roomie from last semester.  She always makes the happy, contented cat like noises around my previous roomie.  And I don't get this bad when I spend a lot of time being extremely physically active, or if I'm around the people the beast likes a lot.  Which is kind of disconcerting.

And I think, if I had grown up just a little differently, I might have been something like a berserker.  Which is scary as fuck.
whogeek: The WhoGeek w/ blue/white/red target (Default)
My sister is graduating tomorrow.... Fuck.... Oh god.  It really hadn't hit me until now.  Of course, she's going for her masters(Clemson) and then hopefully a PhD(Brown), but still.  She's gonna be pretty much completely out of the house from now on.  This is pretty much it.  I'm not at all ashamed to admit that this scares the crap out of me.  I mean, we're not attached at the hip or anything, my going to a college halfway across the state proves that, but I'm just finding it a little boggling.

Of course, after I told her about changing major to be Anthropology/Archaeology, she made a great crack about the two of us being on discovery channel, and her doing some show about cephalopods, and then me being on a show about like, the Mayan calendar or something, and people being all, "Whoa!! Are they related or something?" and how that would be really cool.  This is one of the many reasons I love my sister.  She's awesome.  And a genius.  Hello, Phi Beta Kappa? Yes.  Summa Cum Laude? Yes.  Valedictorian?  Yes.

But yeah.  I'm just really realizing that this is it.  She'll be heading off into the world now.

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