A different kind of restless

[whogeek]

The Beast is clawing away at me, just under the skin.  And this restlessness is so much harder to ignore.  Screaming, snarling, roaring at me.  The urge to get out, flee, run, hide, run, run, don't look back, get away, push people away, runrunrunrunrun.  And where the need to move, fight, MOVE is hard to ignore, this is 10, 20 times worse.  The urge to run away from everything, everyone who's close to me, everyone who knows me.  And it hurts to ignore it.  Because it would be so easy to just walk out and disappear.  And there's a normal part of me that wants to.  To just move, go, escape, leave and not come back, just me, my laptop, and a few other things.  It would be so easy, and part of me wants to.  I want to listen to the urge to be anywhere but here, and just leave all the worries about school and stuff behind.  I want to not care about getting through college, and it's so hard to resist.

Comments

[whogeek.livejournal.com]

Yeah.

And yeah, I'll probably look to the scouts first, because even though national is shit, the councils/areas/troops as smaller units tend to be better about stuff. And if I do end up using churches I already know what to say to keep them from trying to Save me. And I tend to avoid churches like that anyway. I like churches where the consensus is "if you show up, we'll welcome you in. If you decide this isn't for you, that's ok too." But if I can't find one like that, I have my defense to the Something Better school of thought already.

[jetpack-angel.livejournal.com]

I used to be able to fool them, but after 'coming out' of the non-Saved closet a while back, I just don't like the idea of lying to them anymore. And I've never heard of churches who didn't try to save you at every opportunity, but then again most of my church experiences have been with Southern Baptists.

I've never tried telling one of them that I consider myself a Buddhist even though I know very few technical details about the faith itself; I don't know any of the prayers or names of the gods or anything like that but I've got the mindset pretty much nailed. I can only imagine that such a discussion would end very badly, partly because those people are the same faith as my mother and I've just got this thing about disappointing my mother. So I mostly just keep it to myself.

[whogeek.livejournal.com]

Well, yes. Southern Baptists are like that. I rather tend to avoid them. Especially in large groups.

And I honestly am a christian. I don't consider other religions wrong because they aren't the same, but I myself am a christian. I mean, maybe part of this is needing to really look at myself and what I believe and stuff, but to me, the teachings of Jesus(from the bible, not twisted by other people) have just always made sense. **Shrugs** I actually like talking to people of other religions about belief systems and such. Belief in one does not make all others wrong.

[jetpack-angel.livejournal.com]

I have no problem (or at least not much of a problem) with the teachings of Jesus Himself. It's the teachings of just about everybody else associated with the Bible, plus all the fundies, that raise my hackles about religion.

Maybe part of your stress is that you can't stop thinking about how stressed you are. It's a vicious circle and one I know all too well. And I'm not trying to convert you to Buddhism or anything but I heard this once, and I think you might find it relevant, or at least you might understand it:

"Once there was a monk who was being chased by a tiger. The monk ran to the edge of a cliff and found a vine, which he climbed down to escape the tiger. But he couldn't climb all the way to the bottom, because there was another tiger below him. So as the monk hung there, he noticed a small cluster of grapes growing on the cliff side, and a couple of mice which had been eating them. The mice, for some reason, jumped onto the vine above the monk and started chewing through it.

The monk couldn't go up, and he couldn't go down, and he couldn't just sit there for too much longer, so what did he do?

Answer: He ate a grape."

[whogeek.livejournal.com]

The teachings themselves are good. It's the way so many people interpret the teachings(and a lot of other things in the Bible) that raise the problems. And my hackles.

That's probably some of it. I think following this pull is me eating my grape.