whogeek | Feeling out of sorts...

I'm starting to get a little... I dunno. I feel off. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like I've lost track of who I am at college, rather than "finding myself" when that's what so many people say college is about. I already knew myself in High School. And I feel like college is making me lose track of who I am. I don't fit. When my sister went off to college, she just slipped right in and just fit into that life. I had trouble to start with. It didn't take too long before that spark I have for learning, for jumping into a class and getting into the materieal and really working at it, it didn't take long for it to dim, and now I'm afraid that it's going to be too hard to bring back. All through HS, I would come home bursting with excitement over the things I'd done in classes that day, and now, classes just seem to drag on by, and I just can't get into the materieal. I don't know if maybe I'm just trying to go for the wrong major in going for the chemistry, but I love science. But I'm so ADD that I need to be constantly DOING stuff, and the courses I'm taking are so much just sitting around taking notes and writing papers that I'm suffocating. I'm honestly afraid what'll happen if I tell my parents that I'm considering changing my major, when I've been looking at the chemistry for a couple of years now, or just dropping out and going out into the workforce. Possible going into like, police academy or something. I don't know. Because I just don't fit into academia, and I'm starting to feel like it's slowly killing me. And I don't want to tell my mom that I want to drop out of college, because it doesn't fit me like it fits my sister, or like it fit my mom when she was in college. I'm more like my dad, and he only graduated from college because he took a semester off and graduated a full year after he was supposed to. But I knew who I was, and I 've lost myself, and I need to either come clean about it now or face my mom's disappointment when she realizes I'm actually failing. And I hate deceiving her. But I don't know anymore. It's been almost 7 months since I wrote a poem, and I'm normally a fairly prolific poet.... when I'm feeling myself. It's actually a fairly reliable barometer on how much I feel like myself: how many poems I'm putting out. And they aren't all stuff I'll let other people read, because a lot of them are just me getting emotions out, but when I stop writing, that's usually a bad sign.

But I feel like a puzzle piece trying to fit into the wrong puzzle, because either the colors match up, but the shape is all wrong. Or the shape fits, but the colors are all wrong.

I'm just..... so confused again. Because I thought I had my life figured out, or at least mostly, and now...... I don't know anymore.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I do understand. And I've had occasional bouts of depression for years. Usually I have it under control but if something makes my rejection issues flare up in a bad way, then suddenly I'm curled up in my computer chair, bawling my freaking brains out, hugging my baby blanket to my chest and listening to lots and lots of Assemblage 23 (or Coheed and Cambria's "Causeway to Neverwhere," which is a disturbingly catchy tune with the part that goes "Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops!" over and over).

Oh, and during an 'episode' I'm always asking my friend shit like, "why do you say I'm a better writer? How can you say that? Doesn't that automatically imply that you're inferior? How can I allow myself to accept praise and have people tell me I'm so good because if I accept it, then it's like I'm acknowledging they're not as good as I am, and what kind of horrible person does that?"

...Yyyyyyyeah.

Er, not "Causeway to Neverwhere"--I always do that. The proper title of the song is "Three Evils (Embodied in Love and Shadow)".

I have sister comparison issues. I'm paranoid that my parents are eternally comparing me to my sister, who is a genius when it comes to academic work. And every time I feel like my parents will thing I'm not as good as her, I start hiding things, and sabotaging myself. And, that's not what's happening now. Now, I just can't work up the chutzpah to do anything really productive, because I don't feel like I'm DOING anything, and it's not like I don't know that doing the work will get me closer to a diploma, but the "What's the point?" part of my brain is getting stronger.

Yep, it's time for you to find a new comfort zone. And maybe something you do that your sister doesn't, so that's one area you can have all to yourself. Academic work isn't everything, especially since that old adage is true: there's a big difference between book smarts and street smarts. And look at you, getting your head screwed on straight so much sooner than she is! You're gonna be over and done with the eye-opening epiphanies and the family-style throw-downs while she's still waiting to get a pat on the head and a gold star.

An old proverb says "The best techniques are passed on by the survivors." In other words, anybody can do anything for a certain amount of time. Whether you are successful enough to do it again later (or be asked to do it again later) is what determines how good at it you are. So your sister's an academic, whoop-de-doo. Now, can she make a living with her academics or does she actually know how to do other shit that'll put bread on the table and keep wattage (or is the proper term volts or amps or currents?) flowing into the computer?

Oh, my sister has street smarts too, but she's so much stronger in the book smarts than me. She's the thinker-planner, I'm the active-doer. When we were little, the neighborhood school's playground had a chain ladder. My sister, when she decided she was going to climb it, did it very carefully. Hand by hand, foot by foot. Me, 3 years younger and still a toddler, I was right behind her, wondering what the holdup was. It's rather a wonder that she's the one who has actually broken a bone, when I'm more wild and crazy and have yet to do so.

lol. Yeah, she'll be able to make a living. Girl Scouts gave both of us enough common sense to be better than the academics who end up with a diploma that means nothing. (Amps)

Well, you'll find your niche. You're faster when it comes to thinking on your feet, and you're more willing to take risks and to rock the boat. Being able to plan does have its advantages, but so does the willingness to actually put them into motion.

And I'm about ready to go to bed. Hope I've helped at least a little.

Yes, you've helped quite a lot. I feel better about going to my mom about this. I still think she'll be disappointed, but I also think that if I'm completely honest with her now, she'll understand. And if I can't start police academy for another couple years, I'll find a job that is physically demanding, and take a few courses at the local community college.

So thank you for the good advice, and talking to me.

Feeling out of sorts...

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