whogeek | Feeling out of sorts...

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Feeling out of sorts...

I'm starting to get a little... I dunno. I feel off. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like I've lost track of who I am at college, rather than "finding myself" when that's what so many people say college is about. I already knew myself in High School. And I feel like college is making me lose track of who I am. I don't fit. When my sister went off to college, she just slipped right in and just fit into that life. I had trouble to start with. It didn't take too long before that spark I have for learning, for jumping into a class and getting into the materieal and really working at it, it didn't take long for it to dim, and now I'm afraid that it's going to be too hard to bring back. All through HS, I would come home bursting with excitement over the things I'd done in classes that day, and now, classes just seem to drag on by, and I just can't get into the materieal. I don't know if maybe I'm just trying to go for the wrong major in going for the chemistry, but I love science. But I'm so ADD that I need to be constantly DOING stuff, and the courses I'm taking are so much just sitting around taking notes and writing papers that I'm suffocating. I'm honestly afraid what'll happen if I tell my parents that I'm considering changing my major, when I've been looking at the chemistry for a couple of years now, or just dropping out and going out into the workforce. Possible going into like, police academy or something. I don't know. Because I just don't fit into academia, and I'm starting to feel like it's slowly killing me. And I don't want to tell my mom that I want to drop out of college, because it doesn't fit me like it fits my sister, or like it fit my mom when she was in college. I'm more like my dad, and he only graduated from college because he took a semester off and graduated a full year after he was supposed to. But I knew who I was, and I 've lost myself, and I need to either come clean about it now or face my mom's disappointment when she realizes I'm actually failing. And I hate deceiving her. But I don't know anymore. It's been almost 7 months since I wrote a poem, and I'm normally a fairly prolific poet.... when I'm feeling myself. It's actually a fairly reliable barometer on how much I feel like myself: how many poems I'm putting out. And they aren't all stuff I'll let other people read, because a lot of them are just me getting emotions out, but when I stop writing, that's usually a bad sign.

But I feel like a puzzle piece trying to fit into the wrong puzzle, because either the colors match up, but the shape is all wrong. Or the shape fits, but the colors are all wrong.

I'm just..... so confused again. Because I thought I had my life figured out, or at least mostly, and now...... I don't know anymore.

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I think my mistake was starting college classes straight out of high school (after a months-long bout of Senioritis). Like, I graduated, got a two-week break, and went straight into summer classes. This was also right around the time that my mom moved away so I moved in with my Dad instead (whom I rarely saw since I lived upstairs and he had a fairly full schedule), my brother shipped out, my friends started scattering... that was probably one of the worst bouts of depression I ever had. Just about the only real socialization I had was at my job, and that was McDonald's if that tells you anything. This was also back when I was working 4-1 shifts at said McDonald's.

So I started to slip, and I started to think longer and longer thoughts about how if I disappeared, how long before anybody would notice? If I slit my wrists in the bathtub, how many times would my mom have to call my dad before he came upstairs to check on me when I wouldn't answer him? And that scared me. So the next time I saw my mom and she kept telling me that I needed to get my ass in gear before I failed my college classes, I just looked at her and said "I can't. Don't you think I've tried? I can't care about my classes anymore. I'm having a hard time caring about anything right now."

Right then and there, she stopped harping about my grades, studied my eyes for a minute, and said "how about you take the next semester off?" If I'd had the capacity at the time to care, I wouldn't have believed she'd said that. But I was so full of apathy that I didn't even feel like telling her that not the week before, I'd had a three-inch butterfly knife to my wrist and was seriously wondering what it would feel like to bleed to death. Still have a very, very tiny scar on my left wrist; never went any further than a pinprick. I couldn't do that to my mother.

One reason I've never gone back to college? Still don't know what the fuck to do with myself. I'm motivated as long as I have a clear goal in mind, but with no goal, then I'm about as fuckin' lazy as they come. Still a sore spot with my Dad, but at least Mom hasn't mentioned it in a long time.

I just... I love learning, but I just.... I don't FIT!! I've tried to find a place to fit in, but it seems like everyone else is just so much smarter, and I know I'm smart, but.... I'm kinda glad I'm having this realization now, rather than after I've started sinking so far into depression, but those thoughts have been getting more and more common, and it doesn't help that, at this point, I HAVE NO ROOMMATE! So if I killed myself, and the thought has flitted in a couple times, actually wondering how I'd do it, it would be a while before anyone realized it. And I'm realizing that I'm so much like my dad, who is on antidepressants, and when he goes off them it's not pretty. And that just... terrifies me. I mean, I hate taking my ADD meds. And any other mind-altering drugs scare the shit out of me. And I feel like I'm drowning, because I love my college, but I don't belong to this world. And I know if I had my old friends, they would see it, and give me an ass-kicking, but no one here knows me, and so they don't see that, as much as I plaster a smile on, it's forced, and as much as I chatter away, it doesn't mean anything, and I'm just sinking further into myself. And no one sees it.

Oh, trust me, I know that feeling all too well.

The only advice I can give you? Don't let it beat you. Don't let it get the better of you. Just say "suicide is for cowards and I'm not letting my precious gray matter go to waste like that." And then change your venue. Either move, get a new roommate, or take a break from classes. Or go up to your favorite professors and say "Hey, are we ever going to do anything in this class? And if you don't get an answer you want, go to the counselor and spill your guts (not literally, because that will most likely hurt). They make allowances for gifted and/or persistent people. Maybe they can stick you in a different class, or ask the instructor to give you little side projects or something.

Food for thought: it surprised me to realize that it isn't just dumb people who drop out of high school, it's also smart people bored with high school. I'd never really thought about it, but it does make sense.

That's pretty much what I've been doing. I just, I had my sights set on majoring in chem, and going and working for like, the SBI or CCBI(City-County Bureau of Identification) and suddenly, just getting through college seems like an enormous burden. And all of a sudden I'm thinking, "Well, what if I just went into the police force?" And part of me is worried about what my mom will think about that, but part of me is like, I don't give a shit about that. I don't fit, and that's killing who I AM! Because no one here actually knows me like my friends back home.

And I plan on going to the counselor's office tomorrow, and saying, "Hey, who can spare an hour or two to listen to me spill my guts about being mildly depressed and slightly suicidal?"

Yeah, that was a lot of my problem through HS. I would turn in work late, or leave it to the last minute, because I could churn it out in very little time. But I had a lot of good teachers, and my Band Director would have killed me if I dropped out.

Exactly.

One thing it took me far too long to realize was that there is always a choice. If your comfort zone isn't doing it for you anymore, then sadly you need to ditch the familiar space and find a new comfort zone. You're not chained to your current schedule or anything. That's the ultimate freedom: the freedom to leave.

And if your mom has a problem with it, then tell her exactly what you told me. Because she's not going to get it until she sees just how sincere you are when you say "it's me or this diploma, so which one do you want more?" You said you forgot who you are, well, I can give you one hint: you're not your parents or their dreams. You are you.

Damnit, you just brought me to tears with the last part there. And she'll understand, because she helped my dad get through his depression when he got it bad. Thanks. I've never been one to disregard the advice of someone who has been through something similar. I will respectfully concede that sometimes I have to ask for advice from someone who has been there, and understands what I'm going through.

I do understand. And I've had occasional bouts of depression for years. Usually I have it under control but if something makes my rejection issues flare up in a bad way, then suddenly I'm curled up in my computer chair, bawling my freaking brains out, hugging my baby blanket to my chest and listening to lots and lots of Assemblage 23 (or Coheed and Cambria's "Causeway to Neverwhere," which is a disturbingly catchy tune with the part that goes "Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops!" over and over).

Oh, and during an 'episode' I'm always asking my friend shit like, "why do you say I'm a better writer? How can you say that? Doesn't that automatically imply that you're inferior? How can I allow myself to accept praise and have people tell me I'm so good because if I accept it, then it's like I'm acknowledging they're not as good as I am, and what kind of horrible person does that?"

...Yyyyyyyeah.

Er, not "Causeway to Neverwhere"--I always do that. The proper title of the song is "Three Evils (Embodied in Love and Shadow)".

I have sister comparison issues. I'm paranoid that my parents are eternally comparing me to my sister, who is a genius when it comes to academic work. And every time I feel like my parents will thing I'm not as good as her, I start hiding things, and sabotaging myself. And, that's not what's happening now. Now, I just can't work up the chutzpah to do anything really productive, because I don't feel like I'm DOING anything, and it's not like I don't know that doing the work will get me closer to a diploma, but the "What's the point?" part of my brain is getting stronger.

Yep, it's time for you to find a new comfort zone. And maybe something you do that your sister doesn't, so that's one area you can have all to yourself. Academic work isn't everything, especially since that old adage is true: there's a big difference between book smarts and street smarts. And look at you, getting your head screwed on straight so much sooner than she is! You're gonna be over and done with the eye-opening epiphanies and the family-style throw-downs while she's still waiting to get a pat on the head and a gold star.

An old proverb says "The best techniques are passed on by the survivors." In other words, anybody can do anything for a certain amount of time. Whether you are successful enough to do it again later (or be asked to do it again later) is what determines how good at it you are. So your sister's an academic, whoop-de-doo. Now, can she make a living with her academics or does she actually know how to do other shit that'll put bread on the table and keep wattage (or is the proper term volts or amps or currents?) flowing into the computer?

Oh, my sister has street smarts too, but she's so much stronger in the book smarts than me. She's the thinker-planner, I'm the active-doer. When we were little, the neighborhood school's playground had a chain ladder. My sister, when she decided she was going to climb it, did it very carefully. Hand by hand, foot by foot. Me, 3 years younger and still a toddler, I was right behind her, wondering what the holdup was. It's rather a wonder that she's the one who has actually broken a bone, when I'm more wild and crazy and have yet to do so.

lol. Yeah, she'll be able to make a living. Girl Scouts gave both of us enough common sense to be better than the academics who end up with a diploma that means nothing. (Amps)

Well, you'll find your niche. You're faster when it comes to thinking on your feet, and you're more willing to take risks and to rock the boat. Being able to plan does have its advantages, but so does the willingness to actually put them into motion.

And I'm about ready to go to bed. Hope I've helped at least a little.

Yes, you've helped quite a lot. I feel better about going to my mom about this. I still think she'll be disappointed, but I also think that if I'm completely honest with her now, she'll understand. And if I can't start police academy for another couple years, I'll find a job that is physically demanding, and take a few courses at the local community college.

So thank you for the good advice, and talking to me.

It kinda reminds me of when I used to pretend to be a Christian around my mother. I altered my entire personality around her and people who knew her because I couldn't stand to think of the look on her face if she knew. This went on for years, and I did it so well that she had no idea I wasn't 'saved' until I turned 18.

After the first time she heard me cuss a blue streak, the walls came down and the first week was exactly as horrible as I'd predicted, but you know what? After that, it got better. I didn't have to pretend anymore. We could be honest with each other, and I could show her who I really was. She doesn't like most of it, but I'm still her daughter.

oh damn i wish that were true for me. i'm so buttoned up around my parents it's frightening, at least to me. my therapist is shocked that someone generally so forthright turns into a gibbering wreck around her parents as late as 33. the biggest problem for me is that the only time i'm not like that is when i'm really ill, like sectionable, and because all the walls come down then i just let rip. so now, if i speak my mind about anything, no matter how small, my parents ascribe it to me being unwell and i get questions like "are you feeling ok? do you think you're a bit up/down? do you need to change your meds?" - ARGH!

[/somewhat ot]

it's very true, not challenging people is just as bad as pushing them too hard. i was a liability at school, even before i got ill, i'd hand in homework late as routine, be late for class, not bother, go and have a smoke break etc, or just be drunk, but although i got yelled at nothing ever came of it. tbh i think they were scared of me a little. i would've been too...!

i don't think you should be scared of backing out if it's not right for you - it may cause problems in the short term but staying if it isn't right will cause them in the long term so...

that said i think it's best to think hard about alternatives before dropping it, if you can come up with a viable plan b, it won't look like just a kind of student hissy fit (not that i'm suggesting it is, but some people see these things that way), and you'll come over as the responsible adult! but i'm with jetpack on this, you have to do what's best for you!

i never went to uni straight from school, my school were desperate for me to (oddly enough to do forensics! wtf? i'm a book person!) but i was so ill there was no way i could've done it - i'd had several depressive episodes while at school and at least 1-2 manic episodes during the last couple of years at school and was totally fucked. being permadrunk + incessant selfharm + frequent suicideattempts =/= a good student, believe me!

i worked for years before going back to uni (although even that i barely managed) and the first time i went to uni it was such a big deal and i ended up making myself so ill i got sectioned at the end of the first and second terms so had to leave. result! ultimately i started doing a part time evening course at a local uni (in london so not like a community college!) and i loved it so much i'm now doing another one.

i'm a firm believer in people not going to uni straight from school anyway - i don't think most people are equipped to make the right choices or to make the most of it. some are, but they are exceptions. far too many people go to uni because their family/school want them to (and do subjects "recommended" by family/school) and end up hating it/resenting it/failing/not putting the effort in etc.

i think it's more useful to get a year or few in the real world before deciding what you want to do to set up the rest of your life! my college is primarily for mature students (ha, i'm so mature!) and it's great, everyone wants to be there, everyone has chosen a subject for themselves and is dedicated to it, and we all pay our fees upfront so if you miss classes you have a bloody good reason!

basically like jetpack says, it's no point making yourself ill/miserable over it - it took me a long time to work that out and it's a horrible slog, so try to remember you and your sanity are more important than grades or kudos at uni could ever be.

Thank you. I appreciate your candid advice. I may still be technically a teen, and I'm supposed to be slightly rebellious and not take the advice of the older set, but I've always respected people who have been there before. So thank you. So much.

i think there's a difference between rebellion and doing what's right for you (i was always the rebellious one too!). i guess lots of "grown ups" see teenaged decisions as inherently wrong/badly formed and rebellious if they're not going along with their parents/school, but then i think also that most grown ups would rather teenagers didn't repeat the mistakes they made and would advise that sometimes you just have to do what you know is right, even if it pisses people off. short term pissing people off >>> long term screwing yourself over!

"What's the point in being grown up if you can't act childish now and then?"

hehe, exactly!

Me personally, I like "What's the point of getting out of bed in the morning if you can't complain about how much sleep you got last night?"

And speaking of sleep... *goes* Gonna get up at the ass-crack of late-morning to go see the doctor and hope she'll clear me to return to the truck. And then I'm gonna come home, go back to bed, and not come out of my bedroom until after the evil icky sun goes down.

i got up too early today, bloody builder making a racket. and i did have an early night which might explain it too (3am, it's early for me!), but hey, for once i actually slept a normal night's sleep. i'm in shock.

i wish i could go back to bed all day but i have an essay to write and uni later and blaaah.

"We do not stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing." Forgot who said it but I wish like hell I could remember.

george bernard shaw said that :)

i always liked "growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional" as well :D

http://xkcd.com/291/

'nuff said.

haha, genius :D

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Feeling out of sorts...

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