whogeek: greg in the hall post-explosion (Greggo Oww)
[personal profile] whogeek
I'm starting to get a little... I dunno. I feel off. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like I've lost track of who I am at college, rather than "finding myself" when that's what so many people say college is about. I already knew myself in High School. And I feel like college is making me lose track of who I am. I don't fit. When my sister went off to college, she just slipped right in and just fit into that life. I had trouble to start with. It didn't take too long before that spark I have for learning, for jumping into a class and getting into the materieal and really working at it, it didn't take long for it to dim, and now I'm afraid that it's going to be too hard to bring back. All through HS, I would come home bursting with excitement over the things I'd done in classes that day, and now, classes just seem to drag on by, and I just can't get into the materieal. I don't know if maybe I'm just trying to go for the wrong major in going for the chemistry, but I love science. But I'm so ADD that I need to be constantly DOING stuff, and the courses I'm taking are so much just sitting around taking notes and writing papers that I'm suffocating. I'm honestly afraid what'll happen if I tell my parents that I'm considering changing my major, when I've been looking at the chemistry for a couple of years now, or just dropping out and going out into the workforce. Possible going into like, police academy or something. I don't know. Because I just don't fit into academia, and I'm starting to feel like it's slowly killing me. And I don't want to tell my mom that I want to drop out of college, because it doesn't fit me like it fits my sister, or like it fit my mom when she was in college. I'm more like my dad, and he only graduated from college because he took a semester off and graduated a full year after he was supposed to. But I knew who I was, and I 've lost myself, and I need to either come clean about it now or face my mom's disappointment when she realizes I'm actually failing. And I hate deceiving her. But I don't know anymore. It's been almost 7 months since I wrote a poem, and I'm normally a fairly prolific poet.... when I'm feeling myself. It's actually a fairly reliable barometer on how much I feel like myself: how many poems I'm putting out. And they aren't all stuff I'll let other people read, because a lot of them are just me getting emotions out, but when I stop writing, that's usually a bad sign.

But I feel like a puzzle piece trying to fit into the wrong puzzle, because either the colors match up, but the shape is all wrong. Or the shape fits, but the colors are all wrong.

I'm just..... so confused again. Because I thought I had my life figured out, or at least mostly, and now...... I don't know anymore.

Date: Dec. 4th, 2009 09:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jetpack-angel.livejournal.com
It kinda reminds me of when I used to pretend to be a Christian around my mother. I altered my entire personality around her and people who knew her because I couldn't stand to think of the look on her face if she knew. This went on for years, and I did it so well that she had no idea I wasn't 'saved' until I turned 18.

After the first time she heard me cuss a blue streak, the walls came down and the first week was exactly as horrible as I'd predicted, but you know what? After that, it got better. I didn't have to pretend anymore. We could be honest with each other, and I could show her who I really was. She doesn't like most of it, but I'm still her daughter.

Date: Dec. 4th, 2009 01:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] talkingtocactus.livejournal.com
oh damn i wish that were true for me. i'm so buttoned up around my parents it's frightening, at least to me. my therapist is shocked that someone generally so forthright turns into a gibbering wreck around her parents as late as 33. the biggest problem for me is that the only time i'm not like that is when i'm really ill, like sectionable, and because all the walls come down then i just let rip. so now, if i speak my mind about anything, no matter how small, my parents ascribe it to me being unwell and i get questions like "are you feeling ok? do you think you're a bit up/down? do you need to change your meds?" - ARGH!

[/somewhat ot]

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