Emotionally Drained... but feeling a hell of a lot better

[whogeek]

A solution in multiple parts. I'm going back, now that I have gotten my head screwed on right again. Depressed Whogeek is going away, hopefully forever, and I'm gonna try again.

This is what I've figured out:

So I'm a social creature. I crave human contact on a daily basis. And I need another warm body in the room to sleep well when that's the way things are supposed to be. At home it's my dog. Off at school, I haven't had that, because I've been dealing with the ghost roommate for months now. And that's been making me feel, well, rejected. At first I was complaining about her leaving the room a mess, because her absence was irritating me, so I blamed it on the mess she was leaving. Not really the problem though. The problem was that I felt like I was living in someone else's storage space. I could stand it if we were constantly on each other's nerves, but when I feel like I'm rejected, ignored, left out, I don't do so well. And when I feel rejected, I start withdrawing from everything else, which, unfortunately, included my schoolwork. Now, if I had chosen to have a single-person dorm room I would have been fine, because that would have been MY choice, but I felt emotionally abandoned by my roommate. Admittedly, she and I don't really have a lot to connect over, but I would have been a hell of a lot happier if there was some sort of solid emotional connection. In other words, I've been living with a ghost roommate, because she occasionally does come by, but we rarely interact in the dorm, and she doesn't even sleep there, and she spends most of her time with her girlfriend. So lately, at night, when I can't sleep I would find myself staring at her side of the room, trying to see if something was different, if she'd been in the room at some point that day. Trying to find some connection with her through her stuff. Not Good. So that was causing the "How long would it take before someone noticed I was gone/dead?" thoughts. And those thoughts were causing some mild depression and suicidal thoughts. Like "What would it be like to slice my arm open and feel all my blood draining?" or "I wonder if it would make the power go out if I took apart a wall socket and electrocuted myself to death?" That was a fun one. So I went to Counseling Services, and basically told them that I was failing because I couldn't care enough about my schoolwork because I didn't feel like myself. That's the other thing. Whogeek who writes big long rants is back, and she's going to stay. Because I get.... standoffish when I feel abandoned/rejected/left out/ignored. I bullshit myself that it's what I want, and I start doing things that are detrimental to myself in the long run but make me happy right then, so I can pretend that I'm not being hurt by what's happening. And acting like that makes me feel cold and all knotted up inside. And that version of myself is very good at hiding, because my parents didn't see it when I was home for break, but that was because I was back with people who were emotionally connected to me, and I had my dog at night, so it was the real me for a little while. Then when I went back to school, I still had that lonely feeling, and then registration was really stressful, and I couldn't get the right classes, and then exams start next week, and all the stress, and depression, and everything came to a head, and I snapped. Hence the "I don't fit" post. So I went to counseling services, came clean to my parents about how bad off I was, they came to get me to talk about what to do, and we came to an agreement.

**Clears throat** Ok. First, I'm going to finish my semester. I'll be taking a few "F" grades, but I can retake courses, and it won't reflect on final transcript. Second, I'm going to get a roommate who's actually going to be around consistently. Third, I'm going to try and find a job. Preferably on campus, doing something physically demanding. If that means I get up early to go unload trucks for food services, so be it. Fourth, I'm going to get counseling and academic coaching from the university. Fifth, I'm going to take a break from going after a Chemistry major, and I'm considering making Chem my minor. I love it, and I'm a scientist in so many respects, but right now it's just too stressful. Sixth... wait, was there a sixth? Oh, right. I'm going to reduce the time I spend on the computer puttering around to 30 minute intervals between doing schoolwork. I've made it work before, and I'll make it work again. Seventh, I'll be spending more time with family now that marching band is finished. Whether I'm catching a ride back home with someone, or they come up to visit me on weekends, I'll see them a lot more. If I find that I want to quit after all that, and just find a job and take community college courses... well, we'll deal with it then.

So that's the big solution. It all seems to stem from my isolation issues, so hopefully, fixing the one major problem will help bring the rest of me back to who I am normally.

Thanks for all the advice. It was all appreciated, and considered carefully, but just talking things through with my family helped me so much as well, and I'm pretty sure I'm doing the right thing. If I change my mind, I can still withdraw, and follow the alternate path my mind has laid out for me now.

Edit: Just hit me, that through all of this, I've had my own personal depression support group. Thanks muchly!

Comments

[brilligspoons.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you worked something out! This sounds like a good solution, and it's not unreasonable at all. :)

Very happy for you!

[whogeek.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the support. XD

[talkingtocactus.livejournal.com]

So that was causing the "How long would it take before someone noticed I was gone/dead?" thoughts.
"

that thought reminded me of one of my all time favourite songs! "what she said" by the smiths - do you know it?



And those thoughts were causing some mild depression and suicidal thoughts. Like "What would it be like to slice my arm open and feel all my blood draining?

wow, welcome to my world... yeah those thoughts aren't good. i'm glad you managed not to act on them, you're doing better than me!

seriously, i'm glad you've come to a decision and the fact you have a clear plan suggests it's one you can follow through on. i hope it works out for you, and the fact it's a plan in sections means that even if one section doesn't go to plan, you can keep going with the rest and alter that if you need to. good luck :D

[whogeek.livejournal.com]

No, I don't know that song. **goes to find song**

Actually, I came up with two separate plans. The "leave my college and go to community college" plan, and the "Stay at my college and fix the things that are really causing the depression" plan. And, I've got flexibility if I find it's NOT working. Thanks!

[talkingtocactus.livejournal.com]

it's off their album "meat is murder", it's one of my all time favourite songs ever, i love it. it's one of those songs i like to think was written about me, not literally of course but it really is too accurate!

two plans are better than one! it's always good to have a back up! i hope it works out :)

[whogeek.livejournal.com]

As do I. It's a good song, but Jetpack_Angel filled my head with "Hide and Seek" and it's really just kinda grabbed ahold of my brain and taken over.

[talkingtocactus.livejournal.com]

fair enough, we can't all love all the same songs ;) hide and seek by who?

i love the smiths so most of the time they piss all over anything else that gets in my head ;)

[jetpack-angel.livejournal.com]

*rubs hands together* Muahahaha--okay, fuck it. You people are awake this goddamn early every day?! Yes, it's 11 AM, but this is the motherfucking middle of the night for me! Why can't doctors' offices be open past fucking 5? *is in cranky cat mode, hunching shoulders and going 'rrrrrr' at everything that moves*

Anyway. Was gonna leave you with this last night. It's another song for you, this one by Assemblage 23, called "Lullaby." I love Assemblage 23 to bits. Just... just don't ever listen to "30KFT" or "Disappoint" on your bad days, okay? Because once you do, you will fucking put them on repeat and never stop crying and listening to them. But anyway, "Lullaby."

"May you find solace in the gentle arms of sleep
Despite the wolves outside your door
In time you will see them all as harmless
And their idle threats easy to ignore

And if ever fate should choose to smite you
Stand your ground, never walk away
Please don't ever let the world defeat you
Don't get buried in its decay

As you drift into the gauzy realm of dreams
May you take comfort in the thought that you are safe
For it only takes a fraction of a second
For all of this to change

Return to me
When slumber's fog has lifted
Return to me
Stronger than before

As you sink beneath the soothing streams of time
May you be thankful that you had another day
For there comes a time when each of us will enter
A sleep from which we will never wake

And if ever fate should choose to smite you
Stand your ground, never walk away
Please don't ever let the world defeat you
Don't get buried in its decay

Close your eyes now, if only for a moment
For it's time you get some rest
The wolves are gone and nothing here can harm you
Let go of your fragile consciousness

Return to me
When slumber's fog has lifted
Return to me
Stronger than before"

[whogeek.livejournal.com]

Yes, most people are awake at 11AM. And hey, remember, I'm an hour ahead of you. I do cranky cat too! First time people see it really freaks them out.

Thanks for another song! Not my usual style, but I like the lyrics.

[jetpack-angel.livejournal.com]

"Lullaby" is a song that's uncharacteristically quieter and smoother than Tom's usual stuff. Assemblage 23 is a one-man band and Tom Shear usually does almost-trance, almost-dance techno with (sometimes) some oddly depressing lyrics. But it's good music. Grab "I Am The Rain," "Awake," "Naked (the God Module Mix)" and "Let Me Be Your Armor" before you decide whether or not you like has stuff.

[whogeek.livejournal.com]

I like the lyrics, but, sadly, most techno tends to give me a headache. The pitfalls of working a sound-system. Feedback, squealing, and mic-buzzing pretty much ruined all techno for me. I know on one level that that's what the artist is going for, but certain sounds make me grind my teeth. Hence the headache.

[jetpack-angel.livejournal.com]

He's quiet and calm techno, almost soothing with some songs, and it plays like it's meant to be listened to quietly. Not a lot of squealing.

And do you not own earplugs, or are these the vibrations that point and laugh at earplugs and go straight for the gray matter?

[whogeek.livejournal.com]

Earplugs do nothing for some of the major feedback and squealing I've dealt with. The kind that sends a rusty cleaver through the front/top of your brain. And make your entire skull vibrate. Most of it is that my brain has learned to associate those kinds of noises with "AH! NOT GOOD!!" Because usually, when I'm running a soundboard, it'll be for a play or a musical or a spoken event.

Mostly it was "I Am The Rain" that was making my head hurt, and was the one I was talking about. The buzzing on that one I associate with someone having a body mic under cloth or a beard. Which just makes me do my cranky cat routine, and whoever's working with me ends up getting shoved to one side so I can figure out how to use other mics so that whoever's wearing that one will still be heard, but no one hears the scratching on the mic.