![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Feeling out of sorts...
I'm starting to get a little... I dunno. I feel off. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like I've lost track of who I am at college, rather than "finding myself" when that's what so many people say college is about. I already knew myself in High School. And I feel like college is making me lose track of who I am. I don't fit. When my sister went off to college, she just slipped right in and just fit into that life. I had trouble to start with. It didn't take too long before that spark I have for learning, for jumping into a class and getting into the materieal and really working at it, it didn't take long for it to dim, and now I'm afraid that it's going to be too hard to bring back. All through HS, I would come home bursting with excitement over the things I'd done in classes that day, and now, classes just seem to drag on by, and I just can't get into the materieal. I don't know if maybe I'm just trying to go for the wrong major in going for the chemistry, but I love science. But I'm so ADD that I need to be constantly DOING stuff, and the courses I'm taking are so much just sitting around taking notes and writing papers that I'm suffocating. I'm honestly afraid what'll happen if I tell my parents that I'm considering changing my major, when I've been looking at the chemistry for a couple of years now, or just dropping out and going out into the workforce. Possible going into like, police academy or something. I don't know. Because I just don't fit into academia, and I'm starting to feel like it's slowly killing me. And I don't want to tell my mom that I want to drop out of college, because it doesn't fit me like it fits my sister, or like it fit my mom when she was in college. I'm more like my dad, and he only graduated from college because he took a semester off and graduated a full year after he was supposed to. But I knew who I was, and I 've lost myself, and I need to either come clean about it now or face my mom's disappointment when she realizes I'm actually failing. And I hate deceiving her. But I don't know anymore. It's been almost 7 months since I wrote a poem, and I'm normally a fairly prolific poet.... when I'm feeling myself. It's actually a fairly reliable barometer on how much I feel like myself: how many poems I'm putting out. And they aren't all stuff I'll let other people read, because a lot of them are just me getting emotions out, but when I stop writing, that's usually a bad sign.
But I feel like a puzzle piece trying to fit into the wrong puzzle, because either the colors match up, but the shape is all wrong. Or the shape fits, but the colors are all wrong.
I'm just..... so confused again. Because I thought I had my life figured out, or at least mostly, and now...... I don't know anymore.
But I feel like a puzzle piece trying to fit into the wrong puzzle, because either the colors match up, but the shape is all wrong. Or the shape fits, but the colors are all wrong.
I'm just..... so confused again. Because I thought I had my life figured out, or at least mostly, and now...... I don't know anymore.
no subject
no subject
The only advice I can give you? Don't let it beat you. Don't let it get the better of you. Just say "suicide is for cowards and I'm not letting my precious gray matter go to waste like that." And then change your venue. Either move, get a new roommate, or take a break from classes. Or go up to your favorite professors and say "Hey, are we ever going to do anything in this class? And if you don't get an answer you want, go to the counselor and spill your guts (not literally, because that will most likely hurt). They make allowances for gifted and/or persistent people. Maybe they can stick you in a different class, or ask the instructor to give you little side projects or something.
Food for thought: it surprised me to realize that it isn't just dumb people who drop out of high school, it's also smart people bored with high school. I'd never really thought about it, but it does make sense.
no subject
And I plan on going to the counselor's office tomorrow, and saying, "Hey, who can spare an hour or two to listen to me spill my guts about being mildly depressed and slightly suicidal?"
Yeah, that was a lot of my problem through HS. I would turn in work late, or leave it to the last minute, because I could churn it out in very little time. But I had a lot of good teachers, and my Band Director would have killed me if I dropped out.
no subject
One thing it took me far too long to realize was that there is always a choice. If your comfort zone isn't doing it for you anymore, then sadly you need to ditch the familiar space and find a new comfort zone. You're not chained to your current schedule or anything. That's the ultimate freedom: the freedom to leave.
And if your mom has a problem with it, then tell her exactly what you told me. Because she's not going to get it until she sees just how sincere you are when you say "it's me or this diploma, so which one do you want more?" You said you forgot who you are, well, I can give you one hint: you're not your parents or their dreams. You are you.
no subject
no subject
Oh, and during an 'episode' I'm always asking my friend shit like, "why do you say I'm a better writer? How can you say that? Doesn't that automatically imply that you're inferior? How can I allow myself to accept praise and have people tell me I'm so good because if I accept it, then it's like I'm acknowledging they're not as good as I am, and what kind of horrible person does that?"
...Yyyyyyyeah.
no subject
no subject
no subject
An old proverb says "The best techniques are passed on by the survivors." In other words, anybody can do anything for a certain amount of time. Whether you are successful enough to do it again later (or be asked to do it again later) is what determines how good at it you are. So your sister's an academic, whoop-de-doo. Now, can she make a living with her academics or does she actually know how to do other shit that'll put bread on the table and keep wattage (or is the proper term volts or amps or currents?) flowing into the computer?
no subject
lol. Yeah, she'll be able to make a living. Girl Scouts gave both of us enough common sense to be better than the academics who end up with a diploma that means nothing. (Amps)
no subject
And I'm about ready to go to bed. Hope I've helped at least a little.
no subject
So thank you for the good advice, and talking to me.
no subject
After the first time she heard me cuss a blue streak, the walls came down and the first week was exactly as horrible as I'd predicted, but you know what? After that, it got better. I didn't have to pretend anymore. We could be honest with each other, and I could show her who I really was. She doesn't like most of it, but I'm still her daughter.
no subject
[/somewhat ot]
no subject