Ramblings in the pre-dawn

Can't really explain my mood.  Didn't sleep last night.  Yammered to a friend about sex, sexuality, and sex ed for an hour or so.  Showered.  Read fic.  Feeling, I guess laconic?  No, that's not right.  Maybe melancholy.  Only it's not quite right.  Maybe a little maudlin.  Pensive.  That works.  Melancholy and Pensive with a touch of Maudlin.  Prowled around the dorm a little.  Came back to my room, turned on some music.  Read more fic.  Realized that, despite there being no Target, Wal-Mart not being open 24/7, the inability/lack of incentive to find a good pancake,  everything in the "downtown" area closing at 5, and a TV that is flaky at the best of times, I'm genuinely happy here.  I don't think I would have been as happy at another college(aka, my second choice, which is larger and more prestigeous.  Am I backwards or what?).  Nights like tonight, when I can't sleep, I have a habit of standing by the window, where there's this little spot between my wardrobe and the fridge, right over the ac/heat unit and watching out the window.  It's soothing, because even though I can see a major road, and a major intersection from my window, there's almost nothing going on out there.  This place actually does calm.  My second choice college is actually in Raleigh(state capitol, one of the biggest cities in NC), and I really doubth that the campus is ever actually calm.  And, at my second choice, I'd probably be rooming with my best friend from HS, and I don't think she'd appreciate my restless pacing at night.  Yes, the wind can be fierce, the almost constant snow grates after a while, the drunken idiots on my floor annoy the hell out of me(there's only a handful of people I've met who actually have the potential to incite me to the point where i enter blackout homicidal rage mode, and there's one on my floor), and desperately needing something to do when I've got free time, but I love this place.  I genuinely do.  At this point in my life, there's nowhere else I'd rather be.  I've got issues.  The whole, blackout rage thing, for one, and some weird as hell emotional knots(complicated, possibly, by the discussion in Fencing a while back about how "Lefties are twins who ate the other one" and wondering if that fucked me up totally even before I was born) for another.  The insomnia, the near-suicidal depression at one point.  Anyways.  Off track.  And despite feeling so at home, I still have no fucking idea what to major in.  Goddamn my brain.  But yeah.  Felt, odd.  Realized that my little all-night things with sporadic staring out the window really helps me stay sane by reminding me that calmness is a good thing.