Arguing with myself and ooh! Shiny!

I just... I love learning, but I just.... I don't FIT!! I've tried to find a place to fit in, but it seems like everyone else is just so much smarter, and I know I'm smart, but.... I'm kinda glad I'm having this realization now, rather than after I've started sinking so far into depression, but those thoughts have been getting more and more common, and it doesn't help that, at this point, I HAVE NO ROOMMATE! So if I killed myself, and the thought has flitted in a couple times, actually wondering how I'd do it, it would be a while before anyone realized it. And I'm realizing that I'm so much like my dad, who is on antidepressants, and when he goes off them it's not pretty. And that just... terrifies me. I mean, I hate taking my ADD meds. And any other mind-altering drugs scare the shit out of me. And I feel like I'm drowning, because I love my college, but I don't belong to this world. And I know if I had my old friends, they would see it, and give me an ass-kicking, but no one here knows me, and so they don't see that, as much as I plaster a smile on, it's forced, and as much as I chatter away, it doesn't mean anything, and I'm just sinking further into myself. And no one sees it.